My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
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There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
ouch
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this