The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
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Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never