In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
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“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
shampoo implies shampee
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Oh. My. God.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”