“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
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“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes