“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
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[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”