*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
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I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
dam girl
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I saw this ending much differently.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.