ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
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spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff