Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
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If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?