I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
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They’re on their honeymoon
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I miss this era type of pranks😭
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?