Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
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Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.