All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
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Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Has there ever been a more American story?
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?