My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
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Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
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