CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
You Might Also Like
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Me irl
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.