My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
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I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Holy shit he’s back
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*