“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
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I am patiently waiting for your email
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…