Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
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Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
What the dentist sees
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman