Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
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Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys