No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
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Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Cause of death: Zumba
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
parents: you are what you eat
kids: