there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
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[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Love this one 😂🧟
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.