Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
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So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”