Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
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Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
next question.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic