Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
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*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Namaste
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
this post was so formative to me
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER