[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
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Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.