Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
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I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
The little toadstool has spoken.
I thought this was funny lol
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
The Friday File.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.