Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
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I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*