Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
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Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless