That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
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The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.