*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?