The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
You Might Also Like
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.