My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
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Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother