My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
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Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.