[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
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Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.