I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
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invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.