Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
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You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I believe the plural is “milves.”
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
When your parents check you’re ok.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.