I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
when nothing goes right… go left
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two