If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
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*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.