[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
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ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.