If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
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There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.