Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
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If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
This makes total sense…
opening twitter today
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.