There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
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MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.