We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
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My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.