do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
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To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I’m being attacked 😭
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.