Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
You Might Also Like
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.