Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
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I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.