Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
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[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.