My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
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All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?