Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
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I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are