I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
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[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito