Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
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I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
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I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.