WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
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If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you